I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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