she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
