Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Bring me that man meat
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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