i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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