just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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