I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The best revenge is premature balding
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
