Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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