We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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