Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
