Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize