So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
