i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
