My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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