Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
