I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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