I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
