i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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