I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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