im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
