Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
