Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
