Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
