I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
