Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I love having hate sex.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
