My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
