ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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