i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
