I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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