just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
