Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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