i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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