I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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