Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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