You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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