they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Someone signed my nipple.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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