New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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