I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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