We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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