I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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