evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
