whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
