Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
