I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Less talking, more tequila
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
