I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
