I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
