A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
