got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
