I'm gonna have a badass scar
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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