My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
