Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
