the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
