I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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