Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
