There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
