I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
