dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize