It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
as a side note pls kill me
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
