she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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