No stitches, just platelets and will power
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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