Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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