standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I need moral support for this bender
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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