If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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